After my father died last year my family received a large amount of support. We had many phone calls, notes, flowers, and hugs to help us through the initial shock of the loss. However, the reality and deepest hurt of the loss didn’t kick in until a few weeks later. It seemed that during that time is when the support was needed most, although everyone had disappeared.
Most of us can raise our hands to admit that we have sent a card or a phrase of support when a friend has lost a loved one. How many of us can confidently confess to continually show that same love, concern, and support after the first month of the death?
Researchers have provided many studies on ways to assist and support grieving parents, friends, and neighbors. However, one of the most important elements seems to be skimmed and passed over too often. That important element is to extend the support for a longer amount of time. Continue your invitations to go out, providing meals, reminiscing about the person who has passed, providing an ear for the grieving person to talk, sending a note, helping with laundry or cleaning, etc for months after the grieving person’s loved one has died. These examples of helpful support can come as a large wave for the grieving individual, but tends to fade quickly, and oftentimes completely disappear just when it is needed the most.
Don’t let your support and love for the grieving friend of family member fade too quickly. If you are supporting a grieving individual, remember not to be offended by the declining of invitations. As the individuals personal stages of grieving changes, you will have to be flexible with it. There is no one given process of the grieving stages. All individuals grieve differently. The article Supporting a Grieving Person: Helping Others Through Grief, Loss, and Bereavement informs us about grieving, “There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief does not unfold in orderly, predictable stages. It is an emotional rollercoaster, with unpredictable highs, lows, and setbacks. Everyone grieves differently, so avoid telling the bereaved what they “should” be feeling or doing” (Helpguide.org).
Supporting a grieving parent can be difficult. Not only have you lost a parent but you also have to deal with a grieving parent. In some ways you will be playing two roles at once: a grieving individual, and supporting a grieving individual. Helen Fitzgerald of American Hospice Foundation states the following in her article Helping a Grieving Parent:
It's not always easy to do these things, however. And because you have to deal with your own loss, you may be frustrated as you try to help your father move on with his life. As part of his grieving, he may experience depression, forgetfulness, disorganization, preoccupation with the loss and a lack of interest or motivation in activities that he used to enjoy (Fitzgerald).
Victoria Hunter states in her article How to Comfort Mom After Dad’s Death, “There are times during this period that your mom is going to take on the role of a child in your relationship. As hard as it may be for you, it’s important to allow her to cling to you at this time.” Hunter continues to provide suggestions and steps in helping a mother through her grieving. Some of her suggestions are:
- Make sure she has the basics she needs, such as food. “Grief is sometimes so all-encompassing that those going through it can actually forget to eat” (Hunter).
- Suggest getting out together.
- Let your mom express her emotions.
- Give her physical affection. Give her hugs and hold her hand. “A lot of times a woman will miss the physical closeness of her husband most of all. While you can't provide that same level of closeness, just holding her will help her feel less physically isolated and more comforted” (Hunter).
- Be willing to listen when your mom would like to talk about her feeling, but also let her be lost in her thoughts in silence if needed.
- Don’t try to “fix” your mom’s grief. She will get there on her own with due time.
The continuing love and support will help the grieving person in many ways. The New York Times article, Personal Health: Simple Acts Go a Long Way in Comforting the Bereaved quotes a widow, “Ms. Felber said of these little but meaningful gestures, '’I remember how good each contact felt and the comfort it brought’” (Brody). The constant contact and comfort will be a helpful source of medication for the grieving.
CITED SOURCES
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/helping_grieving.htm
http://www.ehow.com/how_5694870_comfort-mom-after-dad_s-death.html
http://www.americanhospice.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=84&Itemid=
ADDITIONAL SOURCES:
http://www.nytimes.com/2002/09/10/health/cases-when-grief-takes-hold-of-the-body.html
