Helping a student grieve

Grieving from a distance can be difficult. Perhaps a child loses their parent while away at college. They receive the shocking phone call and then have to drive 5 hours to be home with their family. And after the funeral and time spent with the family, the student eventually has to return back to school to finish the semester.

(Photo by Matthew Jacobson)

At this point the student is alone. They don't have easy access to family talks, visiting graves, looking through family scrapbooks, watching family home videos, etc. They are forced to obtain support and helpful resources in a distant location, such as the college campus.

(Photo by Laura Edwards)

I am very pleased to have noticed the helpful information and resources on grieving provided by many University websites. It is comforting to know that students who may be away from home at college and dealing with a loss of a loved one can find some help close by.

The Universities Student Counseling or Health Services websites provided options to meet with counselors, but also many self-help information and links.

I want to share some of the information I found from these sites about the process(es) and cycles of grieving.

Everyone goes through grief in a different way, but seem to reflect similar actions.

The University of Minnesota Duluth (UMD) explains that the grieving process requires a few important things. Some of these items are:

Time

(Photo by Matthew Jacobson)

Patience

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Courage

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Support

(Photo by Matthew Jacobson)

"The grieving person will likely experience many changes throughout the grieving process. The stages of grief are usually categorized as shock, suffering, and recovery" (UMD)

SHOCK

This is often the initial reaction to the loss of a loved one. A numbness may overcome the individual, which provides an emotional protection from the initial intensity of the loss. The University of Texas at Dallas (UTD) Student Counseling Center's website reads, "Denial and disbelief will diminish as the individual slowly acknowledges the impact of this loss and accompanying feelings."

SUFFERING

"Suffering is the long period of grief during which the person gradually comes to terms with the reality of the loss. The suffering process typically involves a wide range of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, as well as an overall sense of life seeming chaotic and disorganized." (UMD)

Although UMD places the process of "suffering" into one broad category, the UTD website breaks it down more specifically: bargaining, depression, and anger.

BARGAINING

This is the process of rethinking the whole situation and figuring out how it could have been prevented or eliminating negative outcomes. This may lead to promising or bargaining with yourself or God to change the loss or consequences (UTD).

DEPRESSION

This usually kicks in after realizing the specifics of the loss. Dramatic changes in sleep patterns, appetite, and lack of energy are some of the initial signs of depression. "Feelings of loneliness, emptiness, isolation, and self-pity can also surface during this phase, contributing to this reactive depression. For many, this phase must be experienced in order to begin reorganizing one’s life" (UTD).

ANGER

This usually follows the feelings of helplessness which may turn into feeling abandoned. This may create feelings of resentment towards oneself, God, or in life itself. "After an individual acknowledges anger, guilt may surface due to these negative feelings. Again, these feelings are natural and should be honored to resolve the grief" (UTD).

"Suffering is often the most painful and protracted stage for the griever, but it is still necessary" (UMD).

RECOVERY OR ACCEPTANCE

Recovery is the ultimate goal. It is important to remember that this stage is not the elimination of all the pain and the memories of experience of losing the loved one. As you recover, you are better able to accept the loss, resume a "normal" life, and to reinvest time, attention, energy and emotion into other parts of [your] life. The loss is still felt, but the loss has become part of the [your] more typical feelings and experiences" (UMD).

Additional Links:

Kansas State University Counseling Services

University of Iowa recommended links

University of Florida Counseling & Wellness Center

Wave of Support for the Grieving Fades Fast

After my father died last year my family received a large amount of support. We had many phone calls, notes, flowers, and hugs to help us through the initial shock of the loss. However, the reality and deepest hurt of the loss didn’t kick in until a few weeks later. It seemed that during that time is when the support was needed most, although everyone had disappeared.

Most of us can raise our hands to admit that we have sent a card or a phrase of support when a friend has lost a loved one. How many of us can confidently confess to continually show that same love, concern, and support after the first month of the death?

Researchers have provided many studies on ways to assist and support grieving parents, friends, and neighbors. However, one of the most important elements seems to be skimmed and passed over too often. That important element is to extend the support for a longer amount of time. Continue your invitations to go out, providing meals, reminiscing about the person who has passed, providing an ear for the grieving person to talk, sending a note, helping with laundry or cleaning, etc for months after the grieving person’s loved one has died. These examples of helpful support can come as a large wave for the grieving individual, but tends to fade quickly, and oftentimes completely disappear just when it is needed the most.

Don’t let your support and love for the grieving friend of family member fade too quickly. If you are supporting a grieving individual, remember not to be offended by the declining of invitations. As the individuals personal stages of grieving changes, you will have to be flexible with it. There is no one given process of the grieving stages. All individuals grieve differently. The article Supporting a Grieving Person: Helping Others Through Grief, Loss, and Bereavement informs us about grieving, “There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief does not unfold in orderly, predictable stages. It is an emotional rollercoaster, with unpredictable highs, lows, and setbacks. Everyone grieves differently, so avoid telling the bereaved what they “should” be feeling or doing” (Helpguide.org).

Supporting a grieving parent can be difficult. Not only have you lost a parent but you also have to deal with a grieving parent. In some ways you will be playing two roles at once: a grieving individual, and supporting a grieving individual. Helen Fitzgerald of American Hospice Foundation states the following in her article Helping a Grieving Parent:

It's not always easy to do these things, however. And because you have to deal with your own loss, you may be frustrated as you try to help your father move on with his life. As part of his grieving, he may experience depression, forgetfulness, disorganization, preoccupation with the loss and a lack of interest or motivation in activities that he used to enjoy (Fitzgerald).

Victoria Hunter states in her article How to Comfort Mom After Dad’s Death, “There are times during this period that your mom is going to take on the role of a child in your relationship. As hard as it may be for you, it’s important to allow her to cling to you at this time.” Hunter continues to provide suggestions and steps in helping a mother through her grieving. Some of her suggestions are:

• Make sure she has the basics she needs, such as food. “Grief is sometimes so all-encompassing that those going through it can actually forget to eat” (Hunter).
• Suggest getting out together.
• Let your mom express her emotions.
• Give her physical affection. Give her hugs and hold her hand. “A lot of times a woman will miss the physical closeness of her husband most of all. While you can't provide that same level of closeness, just holding her will help her feel less physically isolated and more comforted” (Hunter).
• Be willing to listen when your mom would like to talk about her feeling, but also let her be lost in her thoughts in silence if needed.
• Don’t try to “fix” your mom’s grief. She will get there on her own with due time.

The continuing love and support will help the grieving person in many ways. The New York Times article, Personal Health: Simple Acts Go a Long Way in Comforting the Bereaved quotes a widow, “Ms. Felber said of these little but meaningful gestures, '’I remember how good each contact felt and the comfort it brought’” (Brody). The constant contact and comfort will be a helpful source of medication for the grieving.

CITED SOURCES

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/helping_grieving.htm

http://www.nytimes.com/1999/12/14/health/personal-health-simple-acts-go-a-long-way-in-comforting-the-bereaved.html?pagewanted=1

http://www.ehow.com/how_5694870_comfort-mom-after-dad_s-death.html

http://www.americanhospice.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=84&Itemid=

ADDITIONAL SOURCES:

http://www.nytimes.com/2002/09/10/health/cases-when-grief-takes-hold-of-the-body.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/02/science/02angi.html

http://www.centerforloss.com/articles.php?file=helping4.php